The future of games at Old Trafford are in doubt after Manchester United Manager Jose Mourinho demanded the removal of peas from referee’s whistles as part of a series of measures to reduce noise levels at the ground.

This follows an incident at the Manchester Derby last weekend in which it is alleged a Manchester City player let off a party popper in the City dressing room whilst wearing a funny hat and expressing merriment.

Greg Clarke, Chairman of the Football Association confirmed “Mr Mourinho has personally banned the use of whistles, or any objects emitting a loud noise, in case it damages the sensitive hearing of his multi-million pound football squad. He has also prohibited smiling, having a good time, gesturing in a celebratory manner, tipping your hat, winking, and clicking your heels together to avoid damaging the delicate sensibilities of his title-chasing team.”

Mr Clarke continued “We have tried to reason with Jose but he responded by firing a retaliatory strike at FA Headquarters using his, newly patented ‘Mourinho Intercontinental Ballistic Dummy Launching Machine’ sited in a giant pram at Old Trafford.

“On that basis we shall be writing to Paul-Michael Glazer, owner of Manchester United, to express our disappointment at the offensive wobbling of Mr Mourinho’s bottom lip and the illegal use of nuclear pacifiers fired at our offices.”

Last night the Rochdale Herald contacted Mr Mourinho who gave us a statement. “After a hard-fought game my players like to relax in sensory deprivation tanks filled with sea water and listening to whale music. We don’t expect loud bangs, boisterous refrains or celebrations of any kind which could upset the harmonies of the United dressing room. I have also ordered all cows in the Manchester and Trafford areas to be shot thus halting milk production and stopping it from being used as a potential weapon.

“I sink these measures will protect my players and also help me greatly towards earning the prestigious award of Twat Of The Year.”