Poundland

Poundland to rebrand as Two Poundland by March 2017

Exciting news on the High Street as budget retailer Poundland announces a multi-million pound rebranding initiative.

Burger King announce 126oz Presidential Milkshake for Trump visit

Popular scarfing establishment Burger King has announced a new super-sized 126 ounce milkshake, to be released on Jun 2nd in time for the visit of Donald Trump and his escort the following day. Company boss...

Pret A Manger have successfully poisoned more people this year than Vladimir Putin

Pret a Manger have successfully poisoned more people in Britain in 2017-2018 than Vladimir Putin according to sources within the GRU. The news comes after a second customer succumbed to a deadly vegetarian rainbow flatbed...
Liam Fox

Liam Fox signs first trade agreement with Mexican Cartel to import 1,000 tons of...

The Secretary of State for International Trade, Liam Fox, was thrilled to announce this week the first trade agreement for a post-Brexit Britain. The historic deal with Mexico’s Sinaloa Cartel, the world’s most powerful drug...
Zizzi

Yulia Skripal leaves Zizzi’s Salisbury 1 star TripAdvisor review

Yulia Skripal has left her first TripAdvisor review since being poisoned last month. Ms Skripal said, "I was in the country visiting my father in March. We felt peckish so went to Zizzi's. OK, it...
McDonald's

Mcdonalds to stop giving away assault rifles in Happy Meals in some US states

Four states in America have stopped giving away free assault rifles with every Happy Meal deal as a direct response to KFC banning knives in boxes of chicken in the UK. Denver West McDonald's Store...

Five year old lemonade salesman found guilty of tax evasion after multi-million pound VAT...

A five year old girl has been found guilty at the Old Bailey of tax evasion after a multi-million pound VAT investigation. The girl, clearly already hell bent on a life of white collar crime,...
KFC

Kentucky Fried Chicken unaffected by chicken shortage, thousands of cats reported missing

KFC has opened more of its outlets in the UK despite running completely out of chicken.
Bearded hipster coffee

Artisan coffee is actually just coffee, admits pretentious twat

A pretentious twat from Rochdale has admitted that so-called artisan coffee is actually just the same as all other coffee, just a bit more of a hassle to make and more expensive. Bojangles St Claire,...

ISIS and UN unite to condemn So-Called Yodel Customer Services for crimes against humanity

ISIS and all the member states of the United Nations have broadly condemned the British parcel delivery firm and courier service Yodel for crimes against humanity.
Samantha Cameron

Austerity horror as Samantha Cameron admits to sending her cook to Aldi

Samantha Cameron has triggered an outpouring of concern this morning with the revelation that she has had to send cook to Aldi. And it gets worse. Rumour has it the self-employed mother has even started sewing...
hummus

Northern supermarket to trial hummus

News is breaking that a well-known northern supermarket is to start selling hummus at some stores at some point in 2021. It is thought that Booths in Preston is planning the bold move to branch...

Heck release new range of Boris Johnson porky pies

Sausage giant Heck has hosted giant sausage Boris Johnson at their Yorkshire factory for the unveiling of their latest new product. The Boris Johnson Heck Porky Pie looks like...
Britannia Hotel

Homeless virgin gives birth in Britannia Hotel car park after being told no room...

News is coming in that a homeless virgin has given birth to a baby boy in the car park of the Royal Hull Hotel after being told that there was no room at the...

Boss of insolvent Maplin vows to solder on

The failure of electrical retailer Maplin has shocked the market after fuse saw it coming, but is it indicative of the current state of the British economy? Would cancelling Brexit help amp things up...
Southern Rail

Southern Rail hire United Airlines CEO to improve customer service

Sir Horton Brown, head of Southern Rail’s parent Go Ahead and Govia companies is to be replaced this week by the CEO of United Airlines in a bid to improve customer relations. Lord Littleroom, the...

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