Britannia Hotel

Homeless virgin gives birth in Britannia Hotel car park after being told no room...

News is coming in that a homeless virgin has given birth to a baby boy in the car park of the Royal Hull Hotel after being told that there was no room at the...

Boss of insolvent Maplin vows to solder on

The failure of electrical retailer Maplin has shocked the market after fuse saw it coming, but is it indicative of the current state of the British economy? Would cancelling Brexit help amp things up...
Southern Rail

Southern Rail hire United Airlines CEO to improve customer service

Sir Horton Brown, head of Southern Rail’s parent Go Ahead and Govia companies is to be replaced this week by the CEO of United Airlines in a bid to improve customer relations. Lord Littleroom, the...
Geese

New £50 note to be made of foie gras

In a surprise move, it was revealed today that the new £50 note is to be made of foie gras. The announcement comes as a double blow to angry vegetarians, who found out that the...

Men applaud new Gillette advert that features man carving his initials into girlfriends face...

A new advert for Gillette razors has been lauded by Piers Morgan as, "way better than all that social justice bollocks". Piers and many other single men with little...

Nestlé announce Milky Bar Kid reboot

The public were thrilled today to learn that the classic Milky Bar adverts will be making a return to our television screens this autumn complete with the timeless Milky Bar Kid, horse and famous...

4,000 job cuts at HSBC after Columbian drug cartels move accounts to Barclays

HSBC has told investors today that around 2% of the company's workforce will be made redundant with the focus on anybody who hasn't got a membership at his golf club. The news follows the departure...

Sports Direct worker in critical condition after selling bag for life and giant mug

Medics were today called to Sports Direct at the Kingsway Shopping Centre in Rochdale after a member of the till staff collapsed in shock. Mary Jayne Watson (31) from the Falinge estate was working what...
Brexit Easter Eggs

Mixed Reviews for Brexit Easter Eggs

The government’s official Brexit Easter Eggs have been flying off the shelves this week but many consumers have been left disappointed. Betty Roffin of Rochdale was one of many demanding a refund, stating “I bought...

Controversy Rages Over New Polymer Five Pound Note

In one month's time, the Bank Of England will roll out the new polymer five pound banknote, replacing and ultimately phasing out the familiar paper ones that we have all come to know and...

People urged to buy nuclear submarines to boost jobs in Barrow

People are being urged to buy nuclear submarines as part of a strategy to reduce the effects of poverty in Barrow-in-Furness. The call comes on a day when it was revealed that there are instances...
Lenny Henry

Premier Inn to change all the locks tonight

Every Premier Inn in the country is changing their locks tonight, whilst Lenny Henry hosts Red Nose Day on the BBC. Mr. Henry was the face of Premier Inn for several years, until a loop...

Blockbuster Video returns to Rochdale high street in post EU Britain

There were scenes of creaky jubilation on Rochdale's decaying high street as crowds celebrated the return of retail giant Blockbuster. Rochdale's elderly population had turned out en masse at the voting booths to vote against...
Waterstones

Waterstones moves post-apocalyptic fiction to current affairs section

In a statement today, popular British high street book retailer Waterstones announced all books with post-apocalyptic themes will be moved to the current affairs section. CEO James Daunt said “Customers have become increasingly disillusioned by...
Baby seal

Baby seals used in making of new £1 coin.

The bank of England and Royal Mint announced today that the new pound coin that entered into circulation this week is made using the blubber of baby seals. After much controversy from vegans, and middle-class...

Rochdale regrets out vote, as Euromillions lottery to be phased out by 2017

Communities in Rochdale were reeling this morning as more news of impending financial doom hit the papers, and the pockets of hard working job seekers and alcoholics alike. "I can't believe this is happening." Said...

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