ISIS and all the member states of the United Nations have broadly condemned the So-Called Customer Services Department of British parcel delivery firm and courier service Yodel for crimes against humanity.

The permanent members of the United Nations Security Council, including Russia and China, ratified sanctions against the terror group, So-Called Yodel Customer Services, after ISIS rebel leader Ahsheed Mahpaantz ordered a pair of white bedside trestle tables on eBay.

“It is barbaric the way they treat people.” Mr Mahpaantz told The Herald, “I have seen terrible torture but nothing can prepare you for the horror of trying to reach a call centre operator at So-Called Yodel Customer Services.”

“I live in Raqqa but they sent the tables to a cat sanctuary in Mosul. I spent three days searching for answers on Google, but every number Google gave me sent me back to the same automated help line. By the time I found where my tables were they had been returned to a dispatch service centre in Preston. The horror.”

Chinese premier Li Keqiang was quick to denounce So Called Yodel Customer Services;

“I do not know why they bother issuing tracking numbers. They are a bunch of liars. I stayed in all day on Thursday and they didn’t show up. When I called their helpline their automated service said they’d tried to deliver it. Nothing through the door. Oh the humanity.”

The Security Council is convening this week to decide what steps to take, air strikes are being considered.