Emergency shadow cabinet meeting called following shock resignation of Shadow Culture Secretary Adnan Khan

Jeremy Corbyn has called yet another emergency cabinet meeting today after Rochdale superstar Adnan Khan resigned from his position as Shadow Culture Secretary. Corbyn's press secretary called the meeting after Adnan tweeted his resignation with a...

Post Office denies responsibility for items lost in Post

Today The Post Office officially denied responsibility for undelivered items getting lost in the postal system. Post Office spokespostie, Patrick Clifton, told The Herald; "It's the job of the sender to pay enough postage to reach...

Pret A Manger have successfully poisoned more people this year than Vladimir Putin

Pret a Manger have successfully poisoned more people in Britain in 2017-2018 than Vladimir Putin according to sources within the GRU. The news comes after a second customer succumbed to a deadly vegetarian rainbow flatbed...

Probably not as many paedophiles on New Year’s honours list as usual, say Buckingham...

Buckingham Palace has confirmed today that there was probably an unusually small number of paedophiles on this year's New Year's Honours list. "It's been a pretty weird year this...
Office Workers

Passive aggressive colleague is genuinely ‘looking forward to your reply’

An office worker who regularly distributes passive aggressive emails genuinely is 'looking forward to your response' because he is very lonely and has little else going on in his life, it was confirmed today. Mid-ranking...

Trump to rename Black Friday White Friday

Today news has reached us here at The Herald that President elect Donald Trump has insisted Black Friday (the traditional start of the festive shopping period in the US) is to be rebranded White...

Southern Rail Boss to get by on £3,000,000 salary to show solidarity with commuters 

David Brown of the Go Ahead and Keolis conglomerate that owns and runs Govia which owns the GTR that runs Southern Rail, said today that he is on the side of commuters, and apologised...

Banks Punish Entrepreneurs For Brexit

Our Finance and Business correspondent, Scott Zsalt, was livid today after failing to get support from a major bank due to the fallout from the UK's decision to exit the EU. "I was bleeding furious...
Money

Nigerian Prince perplexed no one wants free money

Prince Terry Ojukwu III, of Nigeria, recently ran into financial difficulties when his bank fell into administration, leaving him just 24 hours to withdraw his money. However, because of the vast sum in his account,...

Global Markets panic as #BoycottEverything goes viral on Twitter

Capitalism is on the verge of a complete irreversible collapse top Economists revealed today with the entire system due to crash, burn, explode and then disappear up it's own arse at any given moment. What's...

eBay To Close Sundays 

The world's biggest online auction site has today announced plans to close every Sunday to give all their low paid workers a much needed day off. Currently trading 365 days a year, 7 days...
Plain wooden coffin

Funeral business booming thanks to Tory policy

Funeral services are enjoying an unprecedented rise in trade thanks to the reforms in disability benefits and the selling off of NHS services. Although ATOS, the company used to assess work capacity, has come under fire...
Man Shop

Shops Brace Themselves for Annual 24th December Man Shop of Well Packaged Shite

Man Shop's Eve - the day men buy all their Christmas presents using no thought or imagination based only upon the quality of packaging that might get away without being wrapped is looming large...

Rochdale Banking Firm NM Rothschild and Sons Hail Brexit Vote as a “victory for...

Billionaire currency traders were jubilant after night of uncertainty saw the pound tumble to a 31 year low after reaching a five year high in less than six hours. NM Rothschild and Sons, the banking...

Patriotic billionaire Brexit supporter patriotically moves headquarters to Singapore

A Brexit supporting patriotic billionaire is so confident that Brexit is good for business that he's decided to move the headquarters of his business to Singapore. "The move has...

HS2 to be built by immigrants

The government is expected to reveal plans to admit up to two thousand migrant workers from the Calais Jungle to help construct  HS2. Prospective workers will be assessed on their skills, and those selected will...

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