Big 6 to impose “Christmas Levy” on consumers

The Big 6 electricity providers are set to impose a special levy on households deemed to have displays of more than 5 metres of Christmas lighting this year.  The energy companies are concerned that with...

eBay To Close Sundays 

The world's biggest online auction site has today announced plans to close every Sunday to give all their low paid workers a much needed day off. Currently trading 365 days a year, 7 days...
Riot

Three dead on final day of Poundworld closing down sale

Questions are being raised following the trampling of three shoppers in riots on the final day of opening of Poundworld at Sheffield Heeley Retail Park. As feral locals stripped the shelves of tacky plastic goods...

Rochdale Banking Firm NM Rothschild and Sons Hail Brexit Vote as a “victory for...

Billionaire currency traders were jubilant after night of uncertainty saw the pound tumble to a 31 year low after reaching a five year high in less than six hours. NM Rothschild and Sons, the banking...

Rochdale Set to Become Major Irony Exporter

The irony mining industry in Rochdale, previously in serious decline, received a massive boost yesterday following the result of the US Presidential elections. Irony is a rarity in the USA and is almost non-existent in...

Barclays customer sent to Guantanamo after overdraft complaint

A Rochdale man has been kidnapped by US intelligence services and sent to Guantanamo Bay after he complained to his local Barclays Bank about high overdraft charges. Quentin D. Fortesqueue, editor of The Rochdale Herald,...
Waterstones

Waterstones moves post-apocalyptic fiction to current affairs section

In a statement today, popular British high street book retailer Waterstones announced all books with post-apocalyptic themes will be moved to the current affairs section. CEO James Daunt said “Customers have become increasingly disillusioned by...
Zizzi

Yulia Skripal leaves Zizzi’s Salisbury 1 star TripAdvisor review

Yulia Skripal has left her first TripAdvisor review since being poisoned last month. Ms Skripal said, "I was in the country visiting my father in March. We felt peckish so went to Zizzi's. OK, it...

RBS announces plan to rebrand as The Money Pit

The Royal Bank of Scotland has today announced losses of 7 billion pounds in the fiscal year of 2016. The Bank has been running at a loss of several billion a year since the global...

Mecca Bingo rebrands as Bethlehem Number Snap

Britain's biggest bingo operator Mecca Bingo is to be rebranded "Bethlehem Number Snap" following pressure from right wing political groups a spokesman for Mecca's parent company The Rank Group, told The Rochdale Herald's weekly...

Remain support Nigel’s calls for 2nd EU Referendum

With around 1.5 million people and rising having signed a petition calling for a re-run of the referendum that decided the UK's membership of the EU, a surprise supporter has left supporters of Leave...
Nick Clegg

Facebook will always be free for students, promises Nick Clegg

Following the news that Nick Clegg has been hired by Facebook it has been announced that the platform will absolutely, definitely, always be free to use for students. The 51 year old former 'politician' was...
Plain wooden coffin

Funeral business booming thanks to Tory policy

Funeral services are enjoying an unprecedented rise in trade thanks to the reforms in disability benefits and the selling off of NHS services. Although ATOS, the company used to assess work capacity, has come under fire...

Heck release new range of Boris Johnson porky pies

Sausage giant Heck has hosted giant sausage Boris Johnson at their Yorkshire factory for the unveiling of their latest new product. The Boris Johnson Heck Porky Pie looks like...

Diane Abbott quits shadow cabinet to be the new face of Soul Glo

Diane Abbott has shocked the nation by resigning from the shadow cabinet days before election week in order to be the new face of Soul Glo! Nile Rodgers, best known for his musical work with daft...

Christian groups OUTRAGED as Apple replace Christian emojis with Islamojis

The next update to Apple's iOS devices will feature almost 100 Islamic emojis, dubbed Islamojis, replacing almost all Christian iconography available on the iPhone 7. The move has been slammed by Christian critics of Apple...

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