Luxury goods shop

Local luxury goods firm goes bust

  High end retailer, Lewis Veeton Moway, has closed its doors for the last time, citing poor sales despite a massive promotional campaign. Rupert Cholmondley-Featherstonehaugh, the CEO of the bling-to-Bentley store, said, "We had little option...
Businessman

Nationalisation doesn’t work, says firm making millions out of Privatisation

Business - Residents left worried by the collapse of Carillion and ensuing loss of local services have been given the news by local MP Gavin Reidy that a new provider has been identified and...

Rochdale regrets out vote, as Euromillions lottery to be phased out by 2017

Communities in Rochdale were reeling this morning as more news of impending financial doom hit the papers, and the pockets of hard working job seekers and alcoholics alike. "I can't believe this is happening." Said...
Knickersw with Trump written on them

Get your hands out of Ivanka’s knickers, White House orders media

  White House press secretary Sean "Ginger" Spicer has issued an ultimatum to the US media in the wake of the growing row over the lingerie line belonging to President Trump's daughter Ivanka. Spicegirl accused the...
Cyclist

New guy at work definitely up to something

Employees from a Rochdale conservatory company have been explaining how a new employee is definitely up to something. Simon Simpson started on Monday and told us, "It's been good so far. Everyone is really...
Toys R Us

Toys ‘R’ Us to rebrand as Sex Toys ‘R’ Us to avoid looming bankruptcy

The giant toy retailer has recently filed for bankruptcy protection in the US and Cananda after massive losses to rivals such as Amazon and other online competetitors. Toy sales have been on a downward...
Drug paraphernalia

Is Bank of England endangering health of cocaine users

A casual cocaine user from Rochdale has accused the Bank of England of intentionally trying to injure and poison him with the new fiver. Nathan Webster 22, a cocaine fan from Rochdale, complained: "These new fivers...

Diane Abbott quits shadow cabinet to be the new face of Soul Glo

Diane Abbott has shocked the nation by resigning from the shadow cabinet days before election week in order to be the new face of Soul Glo! Nile Rodgers, best known for his musical work with daft...

Thomas Cook passengers choosing ride share with refugees rather than Ryanair

Thomas Cook, one of the world's oldest travel providers has gone into liquidation, meaning thousands of job losses and over a hundred thousand holidays cancelled with British citizens already on holiday stranded. Keith Entwistle of...
Businessman

We’re not doing anything dodgy with your data, says company renowned for doing dodgy...

A multi-million organisation has insisted that there's nothing suspicious at all about the new data policy updates, despite them being completely and utterly suspicious. 'The easiest thing to do is to just accept the terms...

University of Burnley to offer a degree course in Fruit Picking.

As part of the government's recently launched Fu*k Business initiative, the University of Burnley is offering a 5 Year degree course in fruit picking, including a year of 'On The Job' training. Ian Jaggs, speaking...
McDonald's

Mcdonalds to stop giving away assault rifles in Happy Meals in some US states

Four states in America have stopped giving away free assault rifles with every Happy Meal deal as a direct response to KFC banning knives in boxes of chicken in the UK. Denver West McDonald's Store...

Strangeways to send its wardens to JD Sports Warehouse for’retraining’

Inspired by an undercover report on working practises at the JD Sports Warehouse in Rochdale, the Governor of HMP Prison Manchester, Dave Morrisey, had an epiphany; "Strangeways is rife with drugs, mobile phones and violence,...

Southern Trains to rebrand as Southern Replacement Bus Service

There was more great news for commuters across the Southeast after Trading Standards and the Advertising Standards authority waded in on the long running Southern Trains dispute.
Nick Clegg

Facebook will always be free for students, promises Nick Clegg

Following the news that Nick Clegg has been hired by Facebook it has been announced that the platform will absolutely, definitely, always be free to use for students. The 51 year old former 'politician' was...
Power Station

Tories not free market enough for money grabbing Conn man

Some people in the Conservative Party don’t have blind and unquestioning faith in dogmatic free market bullshit, a rich bloke who charges people extortionate rates for power has claimed. Iain Conn (honestly, that’s not a...

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