Domestic retail giant Homebase is rumoured to be about to bow to pressure from Michael Gove’s employer, Rupert Murdoch, by stocking a series of garden gnomes with Gove’s face.
The loveable gnomes, to be nick-named “little twats”, will be manufactured from specially toughened ceramic.
They are expected to retail exceptionally cheaply and fly off the shelves, so be sure to be there early to liven up your garden as high demand is anticipated.
An aide to Michael Gove advised the Herald,
“Michael initially wanted a pixie themed garden series but realised they would have to be small and may not be noticed hiding in the shrubbery.”
A tick box competition is to be held shortly to select the sub themes for the series.
Creepy Teat Twat, Go-away Please Twat, Murdoch’s Twat Doggy and Little Twat Turdster are already being put at short odds by bookmakers.
Members of the public will be allowed to suggest a theme, to get engagement before the release of the gnomes, but will be asked to refrain from using outright obscenities.
Concerns that irritated members of the public will buy the gnomes just to enjoy breaking them with hammers and shovels have apparently left Michael unperturbed.
“I think you’ll find that no matter how hard a Twat is beaten they’ll just reform and be standing outside your backdoor leering in with a disarming smile the next morning.”