New Prime Minister Teresa May has had a sensational bust-up with party Chairman – Lord Bastard of Hubris – over the new £5 note. Sources close to the PM say that Lord Bastard burst into the PM office and angrily complained that he was unable to wipe his arse on the new waterproof plastic £Fiver, as was his right as Tory Chairman. 

The practice goes back to 1793 when the first £5 notes were issued by the Bank of England to fund the war against France. Whilst it was broadly agreed by the Tories that any efforts aimed at killing Frenchies was to be supported there was general disgust at the low denomination of the notes. As a result the most senior Tory was assigned to wipe his arse on all the Fivers. This became the first known “security feature” on a bank note. In fact often when the Tory in question had a sore bottom they were known to piss on the notes creating what we now know today as the “Water Mark”. 

The matter looked like becoming a constitutional crisis for the Tory Party. However, the Chairman and Party Grandees were placated when Mrs May caved in to their demands for a return to Grammar Schools so that the Party still got to wipe its arse on something…….