Middle class first time buyers are up in arms over house prices this week as the housing market continued to slow while the price of beautiful, conveniently located luxury homes continues to rise.

“It’s ridiculous.” Said Gordon Trainor, a 27 year old accountant in Manchester who drives a £40,000 red Audi A5 convertible with 20 inch alloys and the Bang & Olufsen sound system. “I just don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to afford to buy a house what with holidays, festivals, gym memberships, meals out with friends, designer sunglasses and cocaine to buy.”

And Gordon isn’t alone, we spoke to Victoria and John, a lawyer and a recruitment consultant who told us;

“Victoria and I were talking about this in March, while we were skiing in Tignes, the snow was fabulous by the way, anyhow we were just saying it’s going to be difficult to find a three bedroom townhouse in a lovely village, 20 minutes from work on our budget of £250,000!”

In other news you can buy a three bedroom terraced house on Beadle Avenue in Wardle, Rochdale for £35,000. Genuinely £35,000.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.