Amnesty International have written a strongly worded letter to the shareholders of JD Sports and the CIA urging them not to open a warehouse on the US base on Guantanamo Bay in Cuba.

“Life is pretty bleak for inmates on Guantanamo Bay. But at least they’re not working for Peter Cowgill and JD Sports. That would be fucking barbaric.” A spokeshippy for Amnesty told us after watching a Channel 4 hidden camera documentary showed inhumane working conditions at the JD Sports Warehouse in Rochdale.

Currently inmates are forced to stand for 12 hours a day in freezing conditions, given subsistence rations and are shouted at almost continually.

Whereas at Guantanamo Bay they’re occasionally allowed to sit down, have books to read and it rarely falls below 19 degrees Celsius. Because it’s in Cuba not Rochdale.

Inmates at Guantamo Bay told their lawyers that they’d rather be waterboarded than pack boxes for JD Sports.

Mike Ashley of Sports Direct, who recently had a warehouse on a gulag inNorth Korea shut down by Kim Jong Un on compassionate grounds, told the Herald.

“This is great news for Sports Direct. It turns out working conditions at JD Sports are twice as bad as Sports Direct. Barbaric arseholes.”

JD Sports have promised to “look into” working conditions in Rochdale. Whatever that means. I’m the meantime, shop somewhere else.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.