Buckingham Palace has confirmed today that there was probably an unusually small number of paedophiles on this year’s New Year’s Honours list.

“It’s been a pretty weird year this year.” A spokesman for Buckingham Palace told The Rochdale Herald.

“We try to be as inclusive as possible and include as many predatory creepy old men as possible.”

“You know like Cyril Smith MBE, Rolf Harris, Jimmy Savile and Stuart Hall.”

“This year it seems that we’ve just had to settle for people who’ve achieved things and saved lives, you know contributed to society and stuff.”

“Rather than weird men rumoured to be fiddling with vulnerable children in the basements of orphanages and hospitals.”

“You never know, a few of them on the list might turn out to be nonces, we included a few MPs just to be on the safe side.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.