HSBC has told investors today that around 2% of the company’s workforce will be made redundant with the focus on anybody who hasn’t got a membership at his golf club.

The news follows the departure of CEO, John Flint, who has stepped down from the top job after just 18 months to spend more time with his superyacht and his fleet of vintage Italian sports cars.

The bank is blaming cuts on the loss of several key clients in South America after several “farming” families moved their accounts to Barclays.

“We were sorry to leave HSBC after all of this time.” Don Juan ‘Bloody Necktie’Carlos of the Medellin Cartel. “But I was on Money Supermarket this morning and I get £100 if I move my current account to Barclays.”

A spokesman for HSBC told The Rochdale Herald “We totally understand. The hassle of moving a bank account is totally offset by £100. It’s an offer we simply couldn’t compete with.”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.