Yulia Skripal has left her first TripAdvisor review since being poisoned last month.

Ms Skripal said, “I was in the country visiting my father in March. We felt peckish so went to Zizzi’s. OK, it was a Sunday but we were told we would have to wait 45 minutes for our table. When we were seated we were assigned the most useless waiter ever. He didn’t know what any of the dishes were. When he took our order he got lost trying to get to the kitchen. When I asked if he could show me where the toilet was he took me to a public toilet down the road.”

Ms Skripal said, “I ordered pasta and was told they’d run out. How can an Italian restaurant run out of pasta? They obviously hadn’t as everyone who came in after us was eating pasta.”

Ms Skripal said that the drinks left something to be desired. “We ordered tap water but when the waiter came back it was clearly fizzing. Our beer was served warm as well.”

The pair were also made to wait for their food as the waiters handwriting was so bad the chef couldn’t read it.

On the food Ms Skripal said, “Not great. There was a strong metallic taste from the pizza. My father complained that he felt unwell. The waiter tried to tell him it was the atropine in the tomato sauce and he should drink more water.”

Ms Skripal revealed that there was a mix up with the bill. “The waiter came over and it was obvious the bill was wrong. There was a hen party across from us and we clearly had their bill. In the end we complained to the manager. Not good. He acted like he’d never seen the waiter before in his life.”

On leaving the restaurant Ms Skripal said she realised somebody had stolen her umbrella.

“Rubbish service, terrible food and I have to buy a new umbrella. 1 star.”

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.