A pretentious twat from Rochdale has admitted that so-called artisan coffee is actually just the same as all other coffee, just a bit more of a hassle to make and more expensive.

Bojangles St Claire, real name Steve Davis, from Heaton (37 and four fifths), is a full time hipster impersonator and part-time artisanal coffee barista.

He said: “I’ve been making fancy coffee for ages and it all tastes the same to me. I drink Nescafe at home if I’m not drinking tea or hot chocolate.”

“At work it takes twenty five minutes to make a single cup of coffee with a tin bucket and length of aged Tuscan garden hose. I’m not convinced it tastes any different to Kenco to be honest. It’s mostly milk anyway.”

“All this Blue Mountain Top slow roasted Kenyan Madagascan blend is bollocks, you can’t tell me it tastes any different to Maxwell House without your trousers catching on fire.”

“Don’t tell anybody but I also hate having a beard, I regret these bloody tattoos and I’m sick of riding vintage bicycles. I’m only a vegan because it’s fashionable.”