Pret a Manger have successfully poisoned more people in Britain in 2017-2018 than Vladimir Putin according to sources within the GRU.

The news comes after a second customer succumbed to a deadly vegetarian rainbow flatbed which was supposed to be entirely poison free.

“Well obviously not everything is poisonous to everybody so we just kind of keep it quiet that some of our sarnies can kill some people.” A spokesman for Russian Intelligence told The Rochdale Herald.

“I’m a bit surprised Pret A Manger have taken the same approach to food safety as us to be honest.”

“Generally we keep stuff like Polonium in bottles with Polonium written on them, same goes for Novichok and other deadly nerve agents.”

“We’ve disguised nerve agents in perfume bottles in the past but hadn’t thought of using vegetarian sandwich wraps.”

“Stuff that can kill people should generally have it written on the packaging. Generally.”

CEO of Pret a Manger, Vladimir Putin, was unavailable for comment.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.