A Rochdale teacher has been telling the Herald about how this year’s school nativity has been dogged by endless controversy.

The teacher, who asked not to be named, said “When we first announced the parts for the nativity, the parents whose child was picked to play King Herod were quite happy; the anti-hero is a popular trope in US dramas after all

“Then 2 days later they reconsidered and asked if their son could be a Shepherd instead of a man who ordered the mass execution of baby boys.”

He continued, “The next controversy happened after the first dress rehearsal on Tuesday night. One of our first years is a star. Unfortunately, he’s small for a 4 year old and his costume makes him look like the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. He was standing outside with his parents when the police swooped and arrested them all after a neighbour reported his parents for a hate crime.

“Last night’s riot between parents was unfortunate. We had to replace the kids playing Mary and Joseph with the kids playing the narrators. We’re 2 weeks away from opening afternoon, Joseph still doesn’t know what to say to the Inn Keeper and Mary hasn’t been able to shake the school newspaper allegations that she isn’t a virgin. This is a serious production not Batman vs Superman.”

There have apparently also been allegations of nepotism leveled at the casting of the 3 Kings.

The head of the school astronomy society said, “These Kings are supposed to be learned. But they say, “Look, a star” and all point in different directions. They were obviously picked because their parents are friends of the Head.”

The teacher refused to comment on rumours that the school will be putting on a production of Trainspotting in the summer. 

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.