School sex education classes are rubbish and should be replaced by episodes of Love Island it has been decided.

Justine Greening said, “Learning to draw the reproductive organs is pretty pointless from the point of view of actually having sex. Unless you have a strange preference for pictionary foreplay or can’t adequately communicate then you’re not going to need that.

Love Island teaches that all that is required is some cheap wine, a bit of sun, scented candles and some light music. Adele or Ed Sheeran are good. It also covers aspects that aren’t currently covered by the curriculum; like what the perfect penis is and what to do if you miss a period. Plus the turmoil they go through once one dumps the other is useful for teaching about emotions.

Other useful things that it’s good at teaching is how to perform mutual masturbation on each other underneath a blanket. Many students will find this invaluable for long haul flights, train journeys or when they happen to be feeling particularly frisky on the fire escape of their local Spar. Admittedly, some things aren’t covered. STD’s for instance, but the introduction of riddled Riccardo will solve that.

If they need to learn anatomy we can get them into cycling. Both our neighbours do it and the lycra clothing they wear means they can recognise them from penis or vulva shape and tone.