As we do every year, every damn year, we headed down to Rochdale Sixth Form College. Next to Hopwood Hall College, in what our councillors will try to laughably convince you is the “educational quarter”, it is one of the best places in town to refill your whipped cream canister. As we expected, lots of happy children, sorry, young adults, had already made some balloons to celebrate their special day.

Kirsty Stevens, 18, told us “I got my grades, it’s so exciting, I can go off to Uni now. I’m going to be a nurse, and I’m going to join the NHS and help people.”

Good luck with that Kirsty, turning tricks in your squalid flat each evening to pay off your parking fines will be a fulfilling life.

David McGregor, 18, told us “I got into Bristol, it’s amazing, I’m really looking forward to studying Modern History.”

Congratulations David, three years of being the “comedy Northerner” in a group of posh chumps not quite smart enough to get into Oxford will be a life-defining experience. Will you assimilate and earn your blue, or will it turn you more red, don’t forget to come back and tell the Herald. Actually, don’t bother, no one wants to read about a 22 year old.
Morenike Williams, 18, told us

“Well, I guess it’s great. I got my grades for Cambridge. So I can say I could have gone. But, I don’t think I will, I mean, I can’t ask my family to fund that. So I’m probably going to stay in Rochdale. I’m hoping for a job at Paulie’s, or maybe the Balcony Café.”

We then shepherded the more attractive female kids into shot, and made sure we gave the white ones due prominence. As they jumped in the air, and our camera shutter closed, it seemed like they blinked out of existence. Oh well, fresh meat this time next year.