There was fantastic news for around 52% of the country today, as the famous School of Hard knocks officially announced their brand new subsidiary nursery ‘the Kindergarten of Common Sense’ will open from 2020.
The all new pre-school will offer angsty gammonian tots the chance to flourish in a remedial environment with other babies exactly like them, before eventually admitting into the School of Hard Knocks to further their education in the field of ‘getting real’.
Plans for the controversial nursery have been met with mixed responses from the public, although research experts in the field explained that the school was absolutely necessary and also that ‘48% of the country are nonces.’
‘It was the logical step to take for many reasons’ Head of Gammon Research Studies Dr Chris ‘Smithy’ Smith told the Herald. ‘It’s a well known fact that babies are staunchly conservative in their beliefs and subsequently resistant to the slightest form of change, hence why they ball their eyes out when their snowflake parents make the heinous error of moving them from one shoulder to the other as their arms are ‘tired’. It’s essentially their way of telling you to man the fuck up and stop being so pathetic, whilst simultaneously pining for the nostalgia of a time when everything was perfect, in this case 20 seconds ago.’
‘Add to this the results of our ground breaking research which shows all the babies involved, 8/10 of them gurgled positively when read articles on net immigration to the UK falling, with the other 2 clearly being offspring of the liberal metropolitan elite, and therefore, not eligible for an opinion in this case.’
‘All this is concurrent with the themes of their peers, so we absolutely need to embrace this innate desire to reject change, and anyone who disagrees, I’ll see you in the car park in 5 mins’ he finished whilst being carted away by bouncers.
Nursery director & alumni University of Life vintage class of ’78 Frank Vews confirmed intake had ‘exceeded expectations’, and excitedly announced a range of new educational childrens books were being secured to provide bespoke learning, including ‘Brave Billy Britain and the Unelected, Undemocratic shithouses of Europe’, and the latest adventures of everyone’s favourite tank engine on Sodor ‘Thomas and the Halal protest’, in which the engines learn the barbarities of killing animals in another way rather than the traditional western fashion of ramming them in to enclosed spaces until they pass out.
‘We look forward to offering the patriotic youngsters in are cuntry a safe learning haven, free from the toxicity of exposure to opposing opinions and cultures; which simply doesn’t work.’ Vews cheered, before downing his pint of Weissbeer and heading off for a celebratory curry.
The Kindergarten of Common Sense is due to open in January 2020, and will probably close in May 2020 after vigorous complaints from the PC brigade.