Greta Thunberg has announced that complete environmental collapse will be worth it now that Coldplay have announced they will stop touring to help save the planet.

Thunberg appeared on Friday in a brand new Range Rover Sport and dressed in SeaWorld merchandise had this to say, “I have been campaigning to take real action against climate change. This week Coldplay have announced they will stop touring in an effort to curb their CO2 emissions. That is why I’m urging everyone to go home and turn their central heating right up and put their immersion heating on. It will cost a lot of money and make gas companies even richer. But what price is that to pay to if we never have to hear Coldplay again.”

Greta then collected a thousand plastic bags and set fire to them before heading off to harpoon a family of whales that had been spotted off the west coast of America.

Professor Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College said, “It’s probably a price worth paying. They’ve been releasing the same boring song for 20 years now. I know it’s kind of seen as ok to like their first album but really, that was just as asinine as the rest of their career. It’s pretty much a template for the crushing mediocrity that followed. God knows how they’ve become so popular. There must be a lot of people who buy their music from petrol stations is all I can say.”

“It’s great to have a positive benefit of environmental catastrophe identified. It’s like earlier this year when I tried to buy vodka in a Swedish duty free shop at Stockholm airport. They told me I couldn’t because I was travelling to an EU country. Finally I thought, a positive from Brexit. Didn’t see that on the side of a bus.”

It’s rumoured that Ed Sheeran will now be asked to cut his carbon footprint down.


Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.