Students across the country celebrated today as they received the exam results needed to springboard them into a lifetime of insurmountable debt and soul-crushing penury.
Thousands of 18 year olds excitedly opened their results envelopes and saw all their dreams of eventually becoming an unpaid intern finally move a step closer.
Janice Campbell of Rochdale High told the Herald, “I’m so chuffed to have got the two As and a B I need to attain the lifetime of insecure employment and sub-standard housing I’ve always dreamed of.
“Now I can go to Hull University and start accruing massive debt without any delay. Instead of the care-free drunken high-jinx my parents enjoyed, I can get a proper education in how to make a £5 electricity top-up last all week and how to avoid mould-induced asthma.
“These A-Level results are just my first step towards the inevitable insolvency which is the only logical result of being 30 grand in a hole before I’ve ever had an actual job.
“But even before I’ve graduated I can start using my media studies degree to do unpaid and entirely uncredited design work for ‘exposure’ and the vague possibility of a following on social media.
“Basically I’m banking on one of two scenarios by the time I graduate in 2020. Either Facebook likes will be worth actual money or the world will have been incinerated in a nuclear show-down between men with tiny penises and even tinier brains.
“I’m not usually one for gambling but I’ve bet my kidneys on nuclear war. I don’t need them anyway, I can’t afford to drink.”