Significantly lower brain function can lead to heading footballs, scientists reveal

Scientists have revealed that significantly lower brain function can lead to being a footballer. Researchers said they had identified "significantly lower levels of brain function" as a common factor amongst many footballers who, the study...

Britain fails GCSE Economics, Business Studies, French, German, Spanish and History

Great Britain was disappointed to learn that she has completely failed GCSE ecomomics, business studies, history, French, German and Spanish today. While GCSE pass rates have generally been on the rise Britain managed to completely...
Oxford

Elitist Oxbridge totally to blame for educational standards, says Department of Education

Look, an elephant, go on, shoot the elephant Oxbridge, as we all well know, is a pair of incredibly elitist and stuffy institutions, full of Brideshead Revisited public school chums punting along the river drinking...
Teenagers

A-Level students share their entertaining delusions about making the world a better place

As we do every year, every damn year, we headed down to Rochdale Sixth Form College. Next to Hopwood Hall College, in what our councillors will try to laughably convince you is the “educational...
Scientists

Scientists announce new Corbyn scale that measures inactivity

Scientists have devised a new unit to measure inactivity that they're calling the Corbyn. Professor Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College told us, "We've been trying for some time to come up with a measure of...
Philosopher

Shock as major philosopher is revealed to be a prankster

Didier Noyu, who identifies as an‘Anarcho-Realist’, admits to making up schools of thought for shits and giggles. “My latest one was ‘meta-post-structuralism’,” Noyu writes via encrypted email. “It means absolutely nothing, and I applied...

Syrian Parents outraged by cost of Trips to Disneyland

Syrian parents took to social media yesterday in support of Jon Platt, the British father who the Supreme Court deemed to have broken the law by taking his daughter to DisneyLand during term time. “It...
Prime Numbers

Government Set to Outlaw Prime Numbers

In a surprise announcement this morning, it has emerged that the Government has released a White Paper aimed at criminalising the use of prime numbers. A prime number is a number that can only be...

Spell Check a Racist crashes Facebook

Facebook was in chaos today after the soaring popularity of the Spell Check a Racist (S.C.A.R.) page caused a stack overflow causing the entire network to grind to a halt. "Sadly, we had no choice...
Tommy Robinson

Tommy Robinson to fund scholarship for white working class kids to go to Oxford

Tommy Robinson has announced on A-level results day that he will be funding two White Working Class British students to go to the University of Oxford The convicted fraudster has always claimed to be a...
Old Graduate

University of Life under Ofsted investigation after turning out complete fucking idiots

Chief Ofsted inspector Mark Teachers announced today he would be launching a special investigation into the University of Life, based in Thanet. A lower-level investigation is planned in Swanley's School of Hard Knocks. Mr Teachers...

Parents of nativity play’s King Herod unsure what this says about their parenting

A Rochdale teacher has been telling the Herald about how this year's school nativity has been dogged by endless controversy. The teacher, who asked not to be named, said "When we first announced the parts...
A Level Results

A-Level students celebrate being just three years away from £30,000 debt and a zero-hours...

Students across the country celebrated today as they received the exam results needed to springboard them into a lifetime of insurmountable debt and soul-crushing penury. Thousands of 18 year olds excitedly opened their results envelopes...

Fury as school rebrands Snow Angels Multifaith Snow Deities

A Greater Manchester primary school has today come under heavy fire from Christian groups as they took the step of dropping reference to one set faith from Snow Angels to prevent causing offence to...
Young Couple

Middle class parents convert to Satanism after local cult school gets glowing Ofsted report

Local couple Rupert and Penelope Mills have reportedly converted to Satanism in order to get their children into the local cult school after it received an outstanding Ofsted review. Saint Lucifer's in Middleton, an Official...
Professor

Department of Education announce Degree in Hindsight to prevent all future tragedies

Civil servants and politicians from a wide range of governmental departments are throwing their weight behind a Department of Education proposal to create a highly-specialised degree course in Hindsight. "Everyone knows that after every disaster...

Follow us

56,830FansLike
67FollowersFollow
18,423FollowersFollow
22,496FollowersFollow

Popular Posts