Parents up and down the country have thrown their support behind the Conservatives today after details emerged of a radical new plan to abolish school holidays and send children to school for 12 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days of the year.

Loving parent, Dr Jean Kelly, told The Herald.

“I love my kids. I particularly love them when they’re asleep or at school. The rest of the time they’re quite noisy. I’m a bit sick of them to be honest.”

“Today for example. One of them has done a turd in the living room. The other has turned all my flower beds into muddy puddles and has ruined the dining room carpet. They’re pretty feral by the end of half term.”

The move is seen by many as a move to try to lure voters back from Labour who had been tempted by the promise of 30 hours a week free childcare and more holidays.

“More fucking holidays? Tell me you’re joking. Seriously that’s just cruel, I haven’t sat down or had a cup of tea for a week.”

“If I hear the Peppa Pig theme tune one more time I swear I’m going to snap.”

Additional plans to abolish Christmas have been welcomed by people who have mother-in-laws.

“I’ve been threatening to cancel Christmas for the better part of a decade now. All I really want to do is sit around in my underpants and not listen to people shouting at each other. I don’t know why nobody thought of this before.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.