Oxford

Elitist Oxbridge totally to blame for educational standards, says Department of Education

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Look, an elephant, go on, shoot the elephant Oxbridge, as we all well know, is a pair of incredibly elitist and stuffy institutions, full of Brideshead Revisited public school chums punting along the river drinking...

Parents of nativity play’s King Herod unsure what this says about their parenting

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A Rochdale teacher has been telling the Herald about how this year's school nativity has been dogged by endless controversy. The teacher, who asked not to be named, said "When we first announced the parts...
ISIS

Isis Claims Responsibility for Education Fair Funding Formula Terror

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In a shock announcement this morning, that surprised no one, a spokes-stool for Isis (other names are available) claimed credit for the proposed funding changes to schools in England. "Our education policy sub-committee has...
Old Graduate

University of Life under Ofsted investigation after turning out complete fucking idiots

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Chief Ofsted inspector Mark Teachers announced today he would be launching a special investigation into the University of Life, based in Thanet. A lower-level investigation is planned in Swanley's School of Hard Knocks. Mr Teachers...
Tommy Robinson

Tommy Robinson to fund scholarship for white working class kids to go to Oxford

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Tommy Robinson has announced on A-level results day that he will be funding two White Working Class British students to go to the University of Oxford The convicted fraudster has always claimed to be a...
Bubble Wrap

Bubble wrap producers report record sales as schools prepare for new year

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As pupils prepare to merrily go back to school their parents are preparing for the big celebration. In recent years, parents have been edging ever-closer to the ultimate goal of total protection, a nirvana of...

Kindergarten of Common Sense to offer clear path way into School of Hard Knocks,...

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There was fantastic news for around 52% of the country today, as the famous School of Hard knocks officially announced their brand new subsidiary nursery 'the Kindergarten of Common Sense' will open from 2020. The...

Tories secure parent vote after abolishing school holidays, weekends and Christmas

Parents up and down the country have thrown their support behind the Conservatives today after details emerged of a radical new plan to abolish school holidays and send children to school for 12 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days of the year.

Scientists Prove Fake News Caused by “A lack of bullying in schools”

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Scientists believe they have proven the rise of Fake News is a direct consequence of the decline of bullying in schools. Professor Andrei Clewsov of the Sutton Coldfield Institute of Bullying told the Herald, "What...

Terrify your neighbours with The Original Trumpkin

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Make your own Original Trumpkin! Have you ever wanted to scare the bejeezus out of your neighbours on Halloween? Finally you have you chance with The Rochdale Herald's original Trumpkin! Step 1. Download the following template and...

Daily Mail demands children be taught anatomy using dead bodies of their teachers

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The Daily Mail has today announced that school pupils in England should be taught anatomy using the dead bodies of their previously living teachers. In an article entitled, 'Let our teachers be...
Theresa May

May gives UK schools education 101

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Prime Minister Theresa May has heralded education reforms by telling UK schools that there will be "no return to the binary system of the past". The Rochdale Herald has this to say: 01000110 01110101 01100011 01101011...
Philosopher

Shock as major philosopher is revealed to be a prankster

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Didier Noyu, who identifies as an‘Anarcho-Realist’, admits to making up schools of thought for shits and giggles. “My latest one was ‘meta-post-structuralism’,” Noyu writes via encrypted email. “It means absolutely nothing, and I applied...

Waterloo Road Grandma School Farce

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A crisis has arisen in a Rochdale school after a Chinese whispers cock up of epic proportions went much further than any sane person could imagine. Not wanting to be left behind Rochdale Council jumped...

Britain fails GCSE Economics, Business Studies, French, German, Spanish and History

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Great Britain was disappointed to learn that she has completely failed GCSE ecomomics, business studies, history, French, German and Spanish today. While GCSE pass rates have generally been on the rise Britain managed to completely...
Teenagers

A-Level students share their entertaining delusions about making the world a better place

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As we do every year, every damn year, we headed down to Rochdale Sixth Form College. Next to Hopwood Hall College, in what our councillors will try to laughably convince you is the “educational...

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