A Rochdale man has today been speaking about his ordeal at the hands to some political canvassers he mistook for trick or treaters. 

Bill Board told us, “Me and my wife really enjoy answering the doors to the little kids and handing out sweets. We’d been to Aldis (sic) and bought a load of sweets then been to a local drug dealer to get some heroin to disguise as sweets which, for some reason is a thing now. Anyway, we like to get dressed up in something imaginative. This year my wife and I got some of those ‘Have you seen Shannon Matthews?’ t-shirts. I bought a pair of glasses and a baseball cap.”

Bill’s wife Orla said, “I’ve been in training for months for this night. I had to put on 20 stone and haven’t bathed since August Bank Holiday to get the ‘Karen’ look.”

Bill carried on, “We’d just finished our tea and were settling in to watch one of the seemingly endless dramas about paedophile child killing Nazi’s starring Sarah Lancashire as an overworked social worker on the edge. Then there was a knock at the door.”

Orla carried on, “I got up and answered only to find that instead of some children dressed as pumpkins there was a 45 year old punk rocker who wanted to talk to me about nationalising Northern Rail.”

Bill told us, “He started going on about Brexit as if there’s something new to be said about it. Ordinarily I’m all for keeping canvassers talking for as long as possible as it means they’ve less time to bore others. It’s like a public service. But we needed rid of them as it’s hard to justify having 75kg of Haribo, some of which is actually Heroin.”

Bill then let us in on how he got the canvassers to go away, “I casually mentioned that Tony Blair is the most successful Labour PM in history. That about broke them. After that I let them know that it’s clear Corbyn is actually a Brexiter and has been since the 70’s then pulled a menorah out that we keep for such occasions in the downstairs cupboard they buggered off.”

Bill and Orla confirmed that their night was successful all in all after managing to addict a group of 9 year olds to Heroin.


Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.