Dog awards Michelin star to cat litter tray

Rover Thomson, a five year old chocolate labrador from Newlyn, has awarded a Michelin star to the cat litter tray located in his family home. The surprising award was explained by Rover as just desserts...

Paul Simon to redo one of his biggest hits in tribute to ex EDL...

In a world exclusive, The Rochdale Herald can reveal that super succesful singer songwriter, Paul Simon, is working on a rewrite of the hit song, 'Mrs Robinson', from the classic movie, The Graduate. It appears...

Grandparent babysitting for half term wonders “Is it too early for a drink?” Monday...

A grandparent who nonchalantly offered to babysit for the entire half term week has already wondered if it's too early for a drink? Granny Syllable, 67, Bristol, spoke to the Rochdale Herald’s Affordable Childcare correspondent...
Man in tree with chainsaw

Sheffield Council misunderstand the word ‘Socialist’

Sheffield council yesterday accepted they had fundamentally misunderstood the concept of 'socialism'.  Following a vehement rejection by local residents of their plan to cut down eight mature trees alongside Rustling Road in Sheffield, and contrary...
Massive Spider

Gigantic spider pokes two holes in upholstery of sofa according to four year old...

Lancashire Police have urged the public to be vigilant today after a reputed sighting of a gigantic spider who breaks into homes to poke holes in sofa upholstery. Detectives are working with the RSPCA to...

US Government admits covering up red alert over imminent asteroid impact

Scientists and Government sources have confirmed that the giant asteroid, 2016-FI is on course to strike the Northern Hemisphere after initial uncertainty about it's trajectory. The news was first reported by California's Yackler Observatory...

Archbishops To Sue Builders Over Health and Safety Gone Mad

A group of five Archbishops of Canterbury are to sue the building firm Klumsi 'n Fook.  Klumsi 'n Fook, were carrying out renovation works on a small chapel when they accidentally broke the flagstones inside...
Tree lined street

Sheffield City Council issues injunction against Councillor for doing councillory things.

In the increasing farrago that surrounds Sheffield City Council's efforts to denude the streets of lush, green, oxygen-providing, shade-giving trees - in the quest for straight kerbstones - the Council has resorted to issuing...

Army called in to Burnley find ‘riot’ just sale at Farmfoods

The British Army was deployed in Burnley town centre earlier today to quell civil unrest apparently taking place in the city's popular shopping district. Army chiefs were dismayed to discover the source of the problem...

In wake of America and North Korea tensions Rochdale man hoarding bottlecaps

Concerns have been raised by the family of Jim Watson, 24, of Heywood after he hasn't been seen for the last week and a half. It is believed that Mr Watson is alive, but...

Rochdale UKIP councillor demands best of three for  Re-Referendum

Following the announcement that Labour leadership challenger Owen Smith has promised to hold a second referendum on Brexit if he topples Jeremy Corbyn in the upcoming Labour leadership battle, local Rochdale UKIP supremo Mohammed Masud has...
Rochdale paramedics

Husband fails to avoid loaded question

A Rochdale man is currently receiving counselling and treatment for first-degree burns after failing to give the correct answer to a blatantly loaded question posed by his wife. James Grossweiner, 52, was caught floundering shortly...
Dinner party group

Cheap bottle of wine is eventually returned to original gift giver

A bottle of £3.50 red wine from Lidl, which was brought to a house warming, has finally been returned to the cheapskate couple that originally bought it. The bottle has been gifted an estimated 12...
Burnley

Burnley twins with itself

After an extensive search, the Burnley Council has decided that the town best suited to twinning with Burnley is Burnley itself. "We hired a consultant from Rochdale who suggested three towns, Trouduc in France, Klootzak...

Dead burglar to get state funeral

A Rochdale burglar who was killed whilst at work will receive a state funeral.  Councillor Tom Walsh said, "This man wasn't any old burgular. He was the People's Burgular and as such, it will be...

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