Rochdale paramedics

10 injured after multi trolley pile up in dash to newly opened til at...

Reports are coming in that there has been a serious collision at Middleton Lidl. So far emergency services have rescued 10 people, including an employee, who have been injured in a multi trolley pile...

Danczuk Less Popular than standing in dog shit

Here at the Herald we've seen numerous "news" sources state that Britain's answer to Donald Trump has considerable support amongst Labour Party members. We somehow doubted this given the list of reasons why he's unfit...

Manchester residents perform ceremony to bring rain back

Manchester residents are delighted that their rituals to the Rain God have worked and banished the burning eye that brings only searing skin pain. Dr Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College said, "In ancient times the...
angry

Inheritance should be spent on chardonnay and cruises not care says Rochdale man

Rochdale man Martin Williams has spent today in his local pub attacking the 'Tory Death Tax'. Williams 48, told the Herald, "It's ridiculous. My mum and dad only live in a piddling little £500,000 house they bought...

Bearded men tagged in record number of “beard decoration” pictures

Bearded men around the country joined together in a collective shudder yesterday as they were tagged in yet more increasingly irritating, abysmal and completely unfunny 'beard decoration' posts on social media. Most of the pictures...
Factory Fire

Explosion in Burnley pie factory causes £3.14159265359 of damage

Since the early 1970s, the Trivial Piesuits factory has been a welcome source of employment, nourishment, and scent for Burnley residents. The squat factory unit, on the Heasandford Estate, has undoubtedly boosted house prices in...

Gay traffic lights turn pavements to mince

Transport for London have overstepped the mark by introducing gay traffic lights according to Rochdale father of two, Arthur Branesell. "Its outrageous! There's one with two women holding hands. How am I supposed to know...

UKIP Apologises For Not Knowing What Obvious Means

UKIP were forced to admit today that big words like "joke" and "obvious" are generally beyond their grasp. The announcement came after a social media poo storm followed the announcement by Bromley UKIP Councillor Terry...
theresa nay laughing

Theresa May to communicate Brexit deal using dance

Theresa May will communicate the UK's Brexit plan to the House of Commons later today using the medium of dance. One insider told us, "The Prime Minister has decided that her dancing has been such...

Sock Finds Owner as Appeal Goes Viral

Derek Winstanley of Rochdale was today emotionally reunited with his sock after a heart-wrenching appeal went viral amongst bored middle-managers & housewives who wanted to feel caring & important. The appeal, started yesterday by Debbie...

EXCLUSIVE: PIPPA MIDDLETON TOPLESS PHOTOS BREAK INTERNET

Still recovering from the profound damage caused by that picture of Kim Kardashian's arse a while back, the Interweb was dealt yet another bitter blow last night; local internet subscribers were left floundering in...

Norman Conquest renamed as nobody wanted a King Norman I

The Normans, with their cry of "Battle Means Battle!" defeated the English army, shooting an arrow into the eye of the English King Harold. Bet he didn't see that coming.

Rochdale Reds watch Man Utd forge ahead with Brexit plan

Members of the Rochdale Reds Man Utd supporters association may ask the High Court to step in over Jose Mourinho's apparent Brexit plans. United manager Mourinho has berated his players for approaching their Europa League...

War of the Roses: The Rematch

Rochdalians reacted with righteous fury over news of what is seen at best as an aggressive land grab and, at worst, a declaration of war by their sworn enemies - Yorkshiremen. The original Wars of...
bbq

Twat ruins barbecue with guitar

Reports are coming in that a twat has ruined a perfectly serviceable barbecue after finding an old guitar next to a sofa in the back room. The incident occurred at around 4pm local time as...

Dame Judi Dench Shows Off New Tattoo

Dame Judi Dench, 81 years young, gave the world it's first sneak preview of her first ever tattoo at this afternoon's premiere of Aladdin at Rochdale's Gracie Fields Theatre. 'Ive been well into Ryan since...

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