Police have closed access to Battenburg street in Middleton today as the investigation into an altercation at the Middleton tea rooms has left three people in critical condition.

Police report they have one woman in custody, believed to be the tea shop owner, Ms Elaine Bakewell, 63.

Tina Parkin, shop assistant at the scene, spoke to the Herald. “A couple came in with their mam for cake and sandwiches. They were having a natter and I could tell they weren’t from the area.”

“Well, they ordered afternoon tea and that’s when it all started. They said the scones were lovely; Ms Bakewell can’t stand it when people pronounce scone wrong. I could see her getting agitated while kneading dough in the back. They kept remarking how nice the scones were and each time they said it Elaine was getting worse. She was practically punching dough by this time.”

“Things came to a head when the gentleman asked if the ‘breadcakes’ were made in the shop. Elaine broke.”

“She came out of the back screaming ‘it’s my famous muffin!’. That’s when she saw the elderly lady had spread cream onto the scone, before the jam. Elaine completely snapped. She charged over and jawed the poor woman with a rolling pin.”

Tina, who was clearly deeply shaken by the events, was unable to carry on. PC Malty, responding officer at the scene said,

“It was a vicious attack. Wounds include bludgeoning from a rolling pin, stab wounds from a butter knife and 3rd degree burns from tea. In all my years as a police officer, I’ve never seen such carnage. I’ll be scrubbing clotted blood and cream out of my boots for hours.”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.