There were celebrations the length of Heaton Moor to Hazel Grove yesterday, as UNESCO officials announced Stockport Town Centre is to become a World Heritage site from 2019.

The move comes after the town was thrust into the world’s vision by the stunning discoveries of evidence pointing to a Stockport Pyramid predating those of Giza, along with a receipt proving Asda dates back to Neolithic times, making this the 2nd the oldest known supermarket in the North West, after Morrisons in Chorlton.

The award has seen the town boosted with Government grants to maintain the centre’s historic charm, with a new 5 star hotel to be build on Hillgate offering vistas over the landscape. Tourists will be able to dine in 1 of 18 cafes in the newly revamped Greggs District.

Speaking exclusively to the Herald in between necking pints of Robinson’s bitter, The High Priest of Stockport & parts of Romiley, Woodley and Offerton, Degsy Degson was understandably in jubilant mood.

“After losing out on city status back in 2001 to Preston – yes, bloody Preston! – this finally puts our beautiful old town on the map for something more than the being a key component of the most stabby bus route in the country and making hats. It’s high time we were recognised. The Mersey Way centre was mentioned in the Doomsday Book, you can’t get much more historic than that! How do you like us now, eh Preston?!”

With officials of many more “idyllic” candidates disgruntled with being overlooked for a town previously only famous for hosting a failed cannabis cafe, UNESCO director Kay Pena was on hand to defend the decision to the Herald.

“The UK had many strong candidates for a further site on our extensive list, such as Milton Keynes, Rhyl and Heathrow Airport, but this place truly captivated us, and after nipping to the Peel Centre for an hour or two, the decision was unanimous.”

“Where else in the world can you experience the hustle & bustle of a traditional British shop like Matalan, and then sit down to enjoy a Mojito in Frankie & Benny’s? Besides, until you’ve seen the sun set over the Edgeley viaduct, you’ve never seen raw beauty.”

With the news being mainly positively received, as ever, there was a minority of moaning minnies unhappy with the news. Graham Nimby, 1 of 10 protesters at a rally taking place at the Railway Pub told the Herald he was worried the town would be overrun.

“It’s how cultural appropriation starts” he mumbled. “One minute there are tourists leering at us like it’s some sort of zoo. The next minute they’re staying, encroaching on our heritage and doing traditional Stopfordian things like having a scrap in a kebab house after 10 pints. Soon our heritage will be superceded by their “ways” and multiculturalism forced on us – and that’s something I cannot accept, ever.”

“Anyway, I’ve said my piece – I’m off to Rusholme for a curry now.”