A Rochdale man has been told to put a top on whilst he does the gardening as he’s in no danger of ever being mistaken for Poldark.

Eccentric loner, 38 year old Stan Still said, “I saw something on the news the other day and it was a bunch of women losing it over the return of Poldark. All he does is ponce about without his shirt on so I figured any idiot could do that. The grass is quite long on the back and the front so I thought I’d do a bit of gardening while the weather is good. Then I had a brain wave. I’d take my top off and do the gardening. If it works for Poldark it’ll work for me.”

Mr Still was expecting to be knee deep in women rendered helpless by his unrepressed masculinity. “It hasn’t quite worked out how I thought it would. For some reason a 25 stone man sweating profusely in the garden isn’t what every woman needs. One lady even crossed the road and walked around the back of the houses just to avoid me. It wouldn’t be so bad but I traded a perfectly good lawn mower and used the money to buy a scythe. Do you know how long it takes to scythe a garden if you’ve never done it before?”

After spending 6 hours with his scythe out Mr Still attempted to recreate a scene where Poldark gets out of the sea and walks, soaking wet towards a camera. “I got in the bath with my clothes on then walked towards the neighbour whilst dripping wet. Unfortunately she pepper sprayed me and her boyfriend set his staffie on me. I bet that never happened to Poldark.”

It’s understood that Mr Still will go back to the tried and tested strategy of getting women drunk in an effort to get a date following his Poldark experiment.

 

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.