Woman and Cat

My cats are like my children, says woman whose cat raped stranger in bush...

A woman whose cats regularly rape strangers in bushes on nights out has insisted that her cats are like her children. Part time hairdresser Barbara Dickinson, 42 and a bit, insists that there is literally...
Alpha Male

Man who refers to himself as an ‘alpha-male’ actually just a dickhead

A man from Rochdale who refers to himself as an 'alpha-male' is in fact just a bit of a dickead sources have revealed. The news follows reports of a man in Rochdale who refers to...

Burnley residents fear diversity means marrying outside of immediate family

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A Burnley man has told us that he fears moves for more diversity will mean that people will be forced to marry outside of their immediate family. Bill Board told us, "For years Burnley residents...

May announces textile regeneration scheme for the Northern Powerhouse

As the race for the Tory Party Leadership heats up, Teresa May has today announced transformative economic reform plans for the Northern Powerhouse. The ambitious plans to boost the UK textile industry in "grim northern...

Drowning Man Rescued from Gorton Pothole

Following a night out with his mates, a man who fell into a pothole in Gorton, Manchester was rescued by a passing stranger. The damsel who came to his distress held onto his hands...
Dinner party group

Cheap bottle of wine is eventually returned to original gift giver

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A bottle of £3.50 red wine from Lidl, which was brought to a house warming, has finally been returned to the cheapskate couple that originally bought it. The bottle has been gifted an estimated 12...

Keith Vaz in hiding after wife tells him she’s “fine”

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The whereabouts of Keith Vaz remain a mystery this morning after rumours emerged that he fled the country following a conversation with his wife during which she told him "I'm fine". Mr Vaz, who had...

Dame Judi Dench Shows Off New Tattoo

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Dame Judi Dench, 81 years young, gave the world it's first sneak preview of her first ever tattoo at this afternoon's premiere of Aladdin at Rochdale's Gracie Fields Theatre. 'Ive been well into Ryan since...

Stereotyping men now a hate crime: Rochdale cracks down on Misandry

Several women were arrested this morning following a verbal altercation outside Rochdale's women's institute.The women who can't be named for legal reasons are being held for questioning by Greater Manchester Police under new anti-misandry...

Home Office Play Matchmaker for Rochdale’s Bridget Joneses

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The Rochdale Herald can reveal controversial Home Office plans to settle new male immigrants in areas of Britain with too many single women in an attempted boost to integration, and ultimately to increase Britain's...
bbq

Twat ruins barbecue with guitar

Reports are coming in that a twat has ruined a perfectly serviceable barbecue after finding an old guitar next to a sofa in the back room. The incident occurred at around 4pm local time as...

Gerry Anderson to Return as String Puppet

Die-hard Thunderbirds fans are celebrating the surprise announcement that Gerry Anderson is to headline the upcoming Cromer 60s Festival. North Norfolk District Council broke the news on Twitter that the creator of the cult 60s...

Man that failed GCSE Science now an expert in pediatrics

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A Rochdale man who failed GCSE Science has revealed he's an expert on pediatrics and specializes in treatments for Pneumonia. Bill Board loudly announced his expertise to surprised family members this morning over a...

British celts forced to admit fighting trousers no good against Roman legionaries

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“The weather was our best asset.” The Society admitted. “There were voices in the early years of Roman expansion within Britannia who argued we should just hold a non-stop series of BBQ’s for the Romans until they got fed up trying to spit things in the rain and went home. It's actually how we got rid of Caesar back in BC dates.”

Man disappointed at not being told to remove England flags

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A Rochdale man has been telling us of his disappointment at not being made to take his England flag down by the police. Martin William's erected the flag on his house today and has...
Smiling woman

Woman’s bad mood CURED by random bloke telling her to ‘smile’

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A Rochdale woman has miraculously found the secret to happiness by following the guidance of a male passerby who told her to 'smile, love, it might never happen'. Ellie McGregor, 28, said that by following...

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