Greater Manchester Fire & Rescue Service were today boosted in their thankless quest to control the ongoing fires sweeping Saddleworth Moor by the news that they are to receive less funding to aid them.
With the crisis entering its 2nd week, Tory elders are understood have moved quickly to end a lost cause by slashing the budgets of the beleaguered service with immediate effect 1% of savings are to be redistributed into 10% off vouchers on gas masks for affected residents; Conservative Party membership dependant.
Speaking through head interpreter Tezza May, UK PM Rupert Murdoch excitedly announced the plans at a Young Conservatives convention in their secret function room in Middle Earth. This was then relayed by Junior Press Officer Crispin Spiffington-Smythe IV, 38, to the assembled hacks & pious lefty scumbags flabbergasted by the news.
“Whilst we as a party acknowledge the fire is a trifle inconvenient for residents, the statistics are there for all to see – Saddleworth has experienced 1 moorland fire in 12 years, so the next one clearly won’t be until 2030. Plus, if Fireman Sam can look after one village virtually on his own, then why do we need hundreds of officers? There’s 13 villages in Saddleworth – do the maths.”
“With this in mind, it’s clearly better to be pennywise rather than pound foolish. Plus, if this heat wave continues, there’ll be a hosepipe ban anyway – so it’s not like they can use any more water without incurring huge fines, is it? Better to nip it in the bud now, no point spending money on “act’s of God” – he loves a good moorland fire to sort out the heathens from the believers!”
“Besides, it’s not like it’s in the Cotswolds, it’s ‘oop north’ in bloody Oldham. They’re always whinging about how cold it is there, and years of heavy industrial decay mean the air quality is probably about the same as it was pre fire. Just strap gas masks on the little ones and revel in the record breaking summer guys, you’ll be moaning it’s too cold again when the weather reverts to type!!”
Upon hearing the news, arrogant head of Greater Manchester fire, Samuel Bombero, playing the world’s tiniest violin, predictably lambasted the “heartless” decisions. He once again defended his bone idle charges, who were probably “tired” because they had to actually do some work for once.
“It sickens me” he started, crying a river. “We’re at the point where we’re desperately asking for donations of the most basic necessities from the public for something that they’ve already paid for, as if this wasn’t embarrassing enough, and now we have to put up with further cuts. No doubt it’ll be spun in the media that we’re lazy, not fit for purpose & have to “give more” rather than looking at the root cause.” He moaned, before lighting a cigar on a moor fire lit £50 note.
“Still, if I do get the boot, at least I’ll be able to spend more time in my holiday Caravan in Rivington. Wait, what?!?!?!”