A first time buyer has been explaining how stressful buying a house is to a man he met in a foodbank.

Taylor Twyford-Twist was doing his weekly bit of virtue signalling, or charity work as he tells his friends on Facebook. It’s understood that he met Martin Scrote this morning as Scrote was doing his weekly trip to the foodbank.

Scrote told us, “I made eye contact with him and knew I was in trouble instantly. He asked about my life like he cared but I just knew he was really just killing time until he could talk to me about his house buying.”

Mr Scrote then went on to describe how Twyford-Twist went into great detail on how he’d inherited more than Scrote has ever earned.

Scrote said, “It’s sickening really. I’ve been collecting hair clippings from the local hair dressers for 20 years. I weave the hair into jumpers that me and my wife sell at local car boot sales.”

Scrote isn’t the first person that Twyford-Twist has cornered like this.

Winifred Two-cans O’Spam said, “One weekend I came in and he just kept talking about how the Government don’t know how inadequate the stamp duty threshold is. He said he’s trying to buy but it needs raising to £350 grand. My husband sold all his internal organs at the dog track and didn’t get that.”

Another anonymous user said, “I don’t know why he keeps volunteering here. All he ever does is complain. He wants to think himself lucky. I’ve had my arms and legs amputated 4 times because nobody told me smoking 100 Capstan Filterless a day was bad for my health. You don’t see me complaining.”

It’s understood by the Herald that Twyford-Twist intends to volunteer to help people displaced by the war in Iraq.

He plans to go out to Mosul and explain how it’s so difficult to choose the right Farrow and Ball wallpaper when you’re only pulling in 5 figures.

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra’s favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.*

*Not all of these necessarily true.