Manchester residents are delighted that their rituals to the Rain God have worked and banished the burning eye that brings only searing skin pain.
Dr Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College said, “In ancient times the ceremonies involved dancing round a fire while and singing whilst obtaining a higher state of consciousness through the use of traditional herbs. Recently these rituals have been updated to more accurately reflect modern times. Through this many more people have been able to join in and increase the efficacy of the invocations. We’re now able to say that the requirement for human sacrifice has dropped right off. We only need to sacrifice 8% of the population to appease the God’s.”
One local resident who is involved in a small cult told us “We decided to replace the old ways. Like the Church of England does with stuff like eating meat on a Friday. Now we have high strength lager, skunk, disposable barbecues, reggae reggae sauce and bluetooth speakers.”
“The great thing is, loads more join in, the parks of full of magic with the purpose of bringing our rain back and making the people happy again.”
“Without this, the Arndale centre would be a lifeless husk.”
It’s understood that once the rains return a service of thanksgiving will be held in Manchester Cathedral. It’s understood that Manchester is not alone in this. Glaswegian’s are understood to have a similar ceremony which involves drinking Buckfast and stabbing random strangers on the Metro. This is believed to bring the rains which cleanse the city.