A man who still wears his wristband from the 2011 Glastonbury Festival is to be euthanised later today, friends have confirmed.
Martin Jones, a 27 year-old sales manager from Rochdale, has continued to wear the wristband for the past six years despite repeated calls from friends and family to have it removed. Jones is believed to have acquired the wristband during his final year at university and is known to regularly use the item to strike up conversations with total strangers about the time he “did Glasto”.
“It wouldn’t be so sad if he at least washed it occasionally,” said long-term friend, Steve Taylor. “Instead he actually uses the smell to draw people in, so when they ask what it is he can say, ‘Oh, this? Yeah, that’s from when I smashed Glasto.'”
Jones’ girlfriend, Hayley Smart, told the Herald that his recollection of the Festival was often markedly different to the one recounted by his friends.
“When I first met Martin, he loved talking about the ‘totally mental time’ he had at Glastonbury,” she said. “He used to bang on about the pills he had taken and all the crazy people he had hung out with, and about how crowd-surfing during U2’s set was one of the most cathartic experiences of his life.
“Then I spoke to one of his uni mates, who told me that he got so drunk on the first day that he was passed out in his puke-filled sleeping bag by 7pm. He then spent the entire next day sitting in a stinking portaloo with the world falling out of his arse after eating some dodgy humus.”
Jones’ friends decided that it was time to put him out of his misery after finding him trying to tattoo the 2011 Pyramid stage line-up onto his chest with a sharpened Biro.
“We had originally planned to fly him out to a Swiss clinic but we were unable to persuade him that Dignitas was the name of a band we had definitely seen him dancing to at the John Peel Stage” said Taylor. “So we’re just going to beat him unconscious with hammers and then leave him to drown in a tent filled with piss and muddy water.
“It’s what he would’ve wanted.”