A Rochdale man has been telling us that he is furious that he hasn’t yet been arrested for wishing people a Merry Christmas.

Bill Board, who has been to church twice in 30 years told us, “It’s PC gone mad these days. We live in a Christian country and you have to say, Happy Holidays. Well not me. I’ve been going about the place wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and what’s happened? Absolutely nothing.”

Bill’s neighbor told us, “He made a point of giving me some religiously themed card the other day then stood there for 20 minutes waiting for something. I said thanks and went on my way. I think he was hoping I’d be offended but why would I? Judaism, Christianity and Islam are all the same story anyway. I was more shocked he gave me a card. I haven’t spoken to him since we moved in 8 years ago and I thought nobody gave cards anymore.”

Board’s milkman told us, “He only started buying from me in November. The other day he opens the door and loudly announces he’s giving me a tip for ‘CHRISTMAS!!!’. He even looked around to see if anyone else had noticed. Afterwards I opened the envelope and discovered he wants to go back to buying his milk from the Tesco Metro down the road.”

Mr Board has spent the week sending cards to relatives, friends and people he met on holiday 25 years ago. After that he spent the day personifying the adage of good will to all men by sending the Reverend Richard Coles a card saying he hopes his dead husband is burning in hell.


Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.