A Yorkshire couple have received a five year suspended sentence for having unprotected sex.

The sentence, which has been suspended for two years, is the 657,077th to be handed down to couples for having unprotected with each other since the start of 2019.

“It’s pretty harsh to give these two five years in a Soft Play Centre like this considering they’re already going to be fined about £250,000 pounds for their decision to do it bareback last Saturday.” A spokesman for the couple told The Rochdale Herald.

The couple who prefer to remain unnamed will also be barred from going on holiday during term time for the next 18 years, from having a lie in for 9 years and from going to the pub for 16 years.

“It seems a bit harsh.” Steve Dickinson 42 and a bit told The Rochdale Herald. “I got to do a speed awareness course when I was clocked doing 32 in front of a school. I’m a bit surprised they don’t offer you something like that for raw dogging.”

“Surely this falls foul of some international human rights laws. Can’t they just do the decent thing and send me to Guantanamo Bay to live in a metal cage or something.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.