A Rochdale woman has woken today and realised that she spent last night drinking all the Gin in her Fever-Tree Ultimate Gin Advent Calendar.

Orla Board told us, “It was delivered on Friday so I put it upstairs on a table. I had plannned to be opening each window in the evenings after putting the kids to bed. I’d then savour the fixatives and peppery botanicals or some such bollocks.”

“But that all went out of the window at 9 last night. We’d got a pizza in and film night with the kids. We’d worked our way through a bottle of Sauvignon and put the kids to bed. I fancied another drink but the only thing we had was a bottle of Manzanilla my mum had brought back from Spain 12 years ago. It was raining and I can’t keep ordering alcohol on Amazon Prime. It’s the way the delivery driver says to enjoy my evening.”

“Anyway I had a sudden burst of inspiration and went upstairs and got my advent calendar out. I figured I could drink a couple and replace them with G&T cans from the shops.”

“I woke up this morning freezing cold on the living room floor with the cat licking my cheek and breathing Tuna breath all over me. I have the worlds worst hangover and I now have to go and stand on a windswept field watching my son play football whilst a bunch of other parents yell abuse at the referee.”

“What’s worse is the glass recycling box is full and the collection isn’t due until Friday so I’m going to have to go to the bottle bank and get rid of it all. I’ll have to do that in the dark as I’ll no doubt run into Karen from the kids school again. I can imagine it now. ‘Oh hello Orla. You been clearing out your garage?’ She knows full well I don’t have a garage.”

And it’s not just Orla. Stan Still told us, “The kids have already eaten 6 advent calendars each and we haven’t even given them to them yet. I had to drive to Oldham today to pick new ones up.”

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.