Vatican declares official miracle after England win on penalties

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The Vatican has tonight declared an official miracle following England's penalty shootout victory over some goat farmers from Colombia. The victory is the first since Harry "18 bites" Short scored the winning penalty against...

Thousands dead in Daily Mail Olympics tragedy

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Thousands of Daily Mail readers are dead today after their heads exploded whilst reading the rag's coverage of the Olympics. Mild confusion over the juxtaposition between the length of Helen Skelton's skirt and the Egyptian...

Theresa May to Naked Mud Wrestle Nicola Sturgeon for the Right to Trigger Brexit

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British Prime Minister Theresa May is to mud wrestle naked with Scottish nationalist leader Nicola Sturgeon for the right to trigger article 50 to take the United Kingdom out the European Union. Sources close to the prime...
England Fans

SHOCK as England fans vote 52 to 48 to LEAVE the World Cup

There is widespread shock around England today after the English voting public voted 52% to 48% for the England football team to leave the World Cup despite making it into the semi-finals. Following the vote...
Burnley FC

Police eager to establish if pound coin thrown at Burnley FC player was projectile...

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A Burnley fan who threw a pound coin at Joe Hart is on the run from Police today after authorities claim he is now the new legal owner of Burnley Football Club. The coin missed...

Owning an IKEA loyalty card doesn’t count as Swedish heritage, disappointed Scots told

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Avid football fans across Scotland were left disappointed earlier today when it was confirmed that membership of IKEA's Family Card scheme does not count as Swedish heritage.  The news comes the day before England face off against Sweden in the...

Daily Mail editor defends decision to exclude Gold medallist with alopecia from cover

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The editor at the Daily Mail has allegedly defended his decision to only put two of the gold medalists from the four woman, world record breaking Team Pursuit team on the cover of the...
Horse Racing

Britain begins cheap cocaine and animal abuse phase of lockdown easing

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The Government has announced that horse racing can begin again from today.  A spokesman said, "From today people will be able to gather in groups of 6 in their garden and watch the horse racing....

John Terry leaves Villa to spend more time with Wayne Bridge’s family

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John Terry has announced he's leaving Aston Villa today. Terry said he was leaving so that he could spend more time with Wayne Bridge's wife and kids. Terry told the assembled press, "It's been rough...

British public excited by boxing match between two men they wouldn’t want to move...

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British boxing fans spent much of the night anticipating and then watching a bout between black fighter Deontay Wilder and half-Irish gypsy Tyson Fury. Fight fan Dave Cooper, from Romford, said "I'm a bit confused...
Wayne Rooney

Wayne Rooney moves from second best team in Manchester to second best team in...

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Thatched-roofed footballer Wayne Rooney was yesterday given away by the second best team in Manchester to the second best team in Liverpool. He moves from Manchester United, a once formidable team, who managed to...

Team GB to announce Stable Door Shutting as new olympic sport

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Team GB are set to announce that "Stable Door Shutting" will become an Olympic sport, The Rochdale Herald has learned. Following the UK government's announcement that perhaps it might not be a bad idea if...
UFC

Brain dead lunkhead defeats violent wanker in front of large crowd of idiots

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Nearly eight brain cells were killed in a mass brawl following the Ultimate Fight Club bout between Conman McGregor and Khabab Gnawmigonadov in Las Vegas at the weekend. The Ultimate Fight Club, which unfortunately...

Big penis denies any link to Romelu Lukaku

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A big penis has spoken out today to deny any attachment to Manchester United striker Romelu Lukaku. Speaking to reporters outside his home address, the massive cock sought to distance himself from non-white people in...

Tom Daley admits pissing in pool

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Great British diving legend Tom Daley, who recently claimed Bronze in the synchronized diving with his partner (Dan something or other), has sensationally confessed to urinating in the diving pool in Rio. The much talked...

World in shock as man with history of taking steroids runs faster than bloke...

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The World is in shock today after a bloke who has a well documented history of taking performance enhancing drugs ran a bit faster than a bloke who doesn't.

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