Thousands of Daily Mail readers are dead today after their heads exploded whilst reading the rag’s coverage of the Olympics.

Helen Skelton in a scandalously short skirt

Mild confusion over the juxtaposition between the length of Helen Skelton’s skirt and the Egyptian Beach Volleyball team’s leggings quickly became explosive embolisms.

Olympic athletes scandolously wearing more than underpanrs

Armed police responded to several incidents of reported gunfire yesterday at newsagents and nursing homes across Rochdale only to discover on arrival that a number of middle-aged women had literally blown their own minds trying to be outraged at too much and not enough leg at the same time.

A Greater Rochdale Police spokesman issued a statement which read;

“Stop reading The Daily Mail, it contains dangerous levels of hypocrisy and conflicting opinion. At least you know with The Guardian or The Telegraph that they’re going to tell you who and what to hate consistently.”

Please take a moment to tell a Dail Mail reader that they don’t necessarily have to hate everything Lord Rothermere tells them to, you might just save a life.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.