Greta Thunberg has won Time magazine’s Person of the Year for her work in stopping Coldplay from touring.

Thunberg said, “All of my life there has been this elephant in the room. Something nobody wants to discuss but something that needs to be dealt with. Whether I have been in a shop, in the car or looking pictures of cats. It’s a presence that needs solving. That presence is Coldplay.”

She then paused for dramatic effect and went on, “I knew that not buying their albums wasn’t enough. I had to reach out to them and somehow influence them to stop touring. Obviously, this was going to be difficult as I live in Sweden and they don’t know me. Then I realised the answer had been staring me in the face. Climate change.”

Greta then went on to say that whilst climate change is bad it needn’t be without benefits. “Once I realised that Coldplay could be blamed for drowning Pacific islanders I began sailing the word. Today I sit here. Time’s Person of the Year. You listening you fat orange-shit gibbon? I’m person of the year and it’s all for getting rid of Coldplay.”

Greta was uncommitted as to what she would do now. There are rumours she has bought 500 puppies and a microwave as a way of convincing Ed Sheeran to give up music. “Artist of the decade? We’ll see bout that”, she said before taking a large mouthful of sandwich.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.