Britain has been celebrating the start of its traditional Lent activity of being outraged about Easter Eggs not saying Easter on them.

Father Frederick Seddon told us, “Our Lord himself  wandering lonely in the desert came upon the Bazaar Al-Di. He paused and gazed upon the mounds of chocolate eggs and said, “None of these eggs say Easter on them. From this day forward all chocolate eggs will say Easter on them.” And the Lord did smite down Al-Di before heading back to the desert in disgust.”

Bill Board, a perpetually angry man told us, “During Lent it’s important to give something up to remember Jesus example in the desert. I’ve give up rationality and will be writing angry messages on Twitter about how I’m boycotting Cadbury’s because they don’t have Easter written on their eggs. This is a Christian country. Alright, the last time I went to church was to steal lead from the roof but I’m a Christian at heart.”

Head of hate for The Daily Telegraph, Orla Board told us, “We find whipping people up into a frenzy about Easter Eggs really helps our flagging newspaper sales. Particularly as most of our demographic is particularly exposed to Coronavirus. Obviously it’s a load of rubbish but the drones that read our papers lap it up even though it’s pretty easy to find out this is rubbish. We’ll use our links to Boris to get him to write some tosh about forcing Cadbury to put the word, Easter on eggs again. We’ll throw some nonsense about the BBC turning Jesus into a gay transgender eskimo or something in a Passion drama for Easter.”

It’s understood that Guardian readers plan to counter this nonsense by spouting similar nonsense about Eostre that they read on a meme. Despite the evidence for Eostre being worshipped being found solely in the writings of the Venerable Bede several centuries after it is purportedly happened they will spout it anyway as it matches their own prejudices.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.