Supermarkets across the country are reportedly completely dickhead free for the first time since 1990 according to sources.

The complete absence of knuckle dragging fuckwits in supermarkets is an almost unheard of phenomenon.

“It’s really weird. We usually have at least half a dozen half naked tattooed fucktards in here shouting at their children and clutching some Stella.”

“It’s eerily quiet in here without them.” A spokesman for Morrison’s told The Rochdale Herald.

“Don’t get me wrong, there’s loads of customers in here, but most of them have some vegetables in their shopping carts and look like they can count to twelve without looking at their toes.”

“The last time we had no people in here shopping in their pyjamas was about twenty eight years ago, for ninety minutes.”

“It’s like the twilight zone or something.”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.