The head of the Mafia, 4 Tony’s Tony is definitely not part of the Mafia after a jury made up of members of the Mafia found him innocent yesterday.

4 Tony’s lawyer told us, “My client wishes to put all these allegations behind him. He has had a  traumatic few years from the time his uncle sustained all those machine gun wounds whilst mowing his lawn to when his 4 closest friends died in that freak hedge trimming accident.

The fact is that what people are calling the Mafia is nothing more than a social club for old people. They go on trips to DIY stores because they like DIY. As was established in court, that video of him strangling another member of the Mafia was actually footage of him demonstrating mouth to mouth resuscitation. The jury found him not guilty so you should drop the charges.”

4 Tony’s lawyer refused to comment on the recent charges of corruption that have been filed against him. He did however pay tribute to the only witness in that case, Freddie no eyes. “Freddie was such a good employee who was mowing his lawn when he sustained all those gunshot wounds. We are looking into taking Flymo to court once I have been found innocent of all charges next week.”

Jury member, No nose Noel told us, “People will say that a jury made up of members of the mafia isn’t going to be impartial when it comes to trying the leader of the Mafia. Well, we looked at the evidence and aquited based on that evidence. It was clear to me that 4 Tony’s would release my family if I found him innocent. That’s what the evidence said so I moved to acquit.”

It’s understood that 4 Tony’s will now carry on managing his extremely lucrative florist business.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.