Reports are reaching us of shortages of some unexpected commodities in rural Scotland.

This follows human slug, Rod Liddle’s advice in Der Spectator that people should self isolate there and subsequently referred to an SNP MSP who appealed for people not to come as ‘a ghastly woman’.

The result has been an unexpected surge in the sales of both wicker and paraffin.

Lochie McLochlan, chief of the McLochlan clan of Kinkinchie said, “We are definitely using all this wicker for making essential baskets to carry supplies to our auld folk; and making new lobster creels. Nae for any other purpose.”

When asked about a large stack of wicker in the rough shape of a 20 foot human effigy, he said ”Tis the best way to store wicker. Best ye ask nae more.”

Selfish London-based git Nathan Wilson, who said he had ‘escaped the virus’ in his camper van was mildly sweating as he spoke to us through a niggling dry cough.

“It’s lovely and peaceful here except for the weird chanting and a few blood curdling screams which I suspect was foxes mating or something.  The air is so pure too, though there was a strong whiff of burning paraffin last night and it smelled a bit of overdone roast pork this morning.’