The government, breaking a manifesto promise, has facilitated the scrapping of the free TV license for over 75s from 2020.

“My pension doesn’t cover the bills and food as it is, the only thing that kept me warm through this winter was Susanna Reid’s cleavage on Good Morning. Come 2020 I won’t even have that”, said Albert Elderly, 126, of Norden.

He continued, “I’ll have to resort to burning all the payment demands the BBC licence people keep sending me as fuel to stop me from freezing to death. It gets pretty bloody cold in Norden in Lancashire in August, I can tell you.”

A conservative spokesman said, “The cuts have been implemented ostensibly by the BBC but, of course, we backed them into a corner quite successfully. It’s all part of a larger government savings plan.”

He added “Instead of just giving pensioners free fuel with the fuel allowance we scrapped last year, we’ll soon be sending them free paper to burn in the form of demand letters from the BBC licensing authority.”

“It’s a win win.”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.