A disgraced Northerner has been barred from ever returning to the South, after he humiliated his sister at a bourgeoisie Cheese & Wine evening by bringing Kraft Slices as his artisanal choice.

Northerner Gerry Ramsbuttocks from Bury was visiting his sister Rachael, who started a new life in Guildford 20 years ago to get rid of her Lancashire accent, when the embarrassing incident occurred.

Hosts Carles Zappa & Henrietta Lanson-Bambina were shaken, but explained the statement they had given to Surrey police.

‘We hadn’t expected further guests, but Rachael said her brother was visiting from the north, by which we assumed she meant Chertsey. How decadent, we thought!’ Zappa explained.

‘When we opened the door and he greeted us with ‘Ay up’ we assumed he was being ironic, especially given his ludicrous attire, but upon asking if he’d prefer Chateau Lator or Lafite-Rothschild to start, he rather gruffly told us ‘I don’t do wine love’ before cracking open a tin of Sam Smith’s best bitter. We then asked if he’d like to put his selection of artisan cheese next to Colston Baby Bassett Stilton, and he’d brought bloody plastic cheese!!

‘Needless to say, Rachael was mortified. We hadn’t realised she wasn’t a Guildford local for all these years, but hearing her go hell for leather in her native tounge was a tad intimidating. The only thing I could make out in the midst of the ruckus was ‘gormless git’ which I assume is a term of endearment.

‘Obviously as bourgeois Corbyn supporters, we’re massive defenders of immigrants rights despite never actually interacting with them, and we’re proud of our multicultural neighbourhood – Henrietta herself is 1/16 Welsh, but listening to this ethnic kerfuffle was like being in one of those deprived areas you see in Channel 4 documentaries. Thank heavens it’s over’

Despite being deported in disgrace, Gerry remained unfussed with how the evening went. ‘I were hoping to get Primula, but they had no idea what that was, so Kraft were’t next best thing. I thought about Dairylea but I’m not made of bloody money!!

‘At least I’ve got this Vienetta for the train home’