Northerner brings Kraft Slices to cheese and wine party in Surrey

A disgraced Northerner has been barred from ever returning to the South, after he humiliated his sister at a bourgeoisie Cheese & Wine evening by bringing Kraft Slices as his artisanal choice. Northerner Gerry Ramsbuttocks...

Dry January downgraded to reduced drinking January

A Rochdale man has told us how he has revised plans to do dry January and will now be doing reduced drinking January instead. Bill Board spent New Years...

Men applaud new Gillette advert that features man carving his initials into girlfriends face...

A new advert for Gillette razors has been lauded by Piers Morgan as, "way better than all that social justice bollocks". Piers and many other single men with little...

Gillette admit razors not suitable for sensitive skin

International razor brand Gillette has admitted that after years of investment, their product is not suitable for the delicate skin of the modern day manchild Despite introducing blade, after...

What to do when your dog dies in your hot car

Summer is here and forecasters are predicting a heatwave in the coming weeks. With temperatures expected to hit 30oC the country will be awash with self-appointed dog wardens smashing their way into cars to...

Wankers now the majority of the public, scientists conclude.

A newly published report shows that 55% of the British public are tossers. Professor Onan Offtherist from the Rochdale Institute of Masturbatory Studies told us "We have proven that 11 out of 20 people you...
British Homeopath

Herald lifestyle guides – How to be a New Hippy

Want to be a 21st century Hippie or is it Hippy? Do you remember the days when everything was far out, and the man was just a drag? Daylight hours where spent in bed underneath...
child

Complete sadist buys 2 year old nephew a keyboard for Christmas

A man from Rochdale has bought his nephew the gift of music for Christmas. Stan Still told us, "I've played in bands since I was 12 and think it's a great idea for kids to...

Nothing says f*** you to a neighbour like a Leilandii hedge

Scientists at Rochdale College have discovered that nothing gets the message that you hate them across to your neighbour's more than a Leilandii hedge. Dr Frederick Seddon told us, "We looked at various means that...

Couple spend entire evening on Netflix before deciding what film to watch at 1am

Johnny and Mary (not real names) are just your average suburban dwelling couple who work hard on the weekdays and like to relax in front of the telly watching a nice film. Sounds all...

Herald life hacks: Get rich quick with… an inheritance

Experts say this is the best way to get ahead in life It's January, which means you likely have nothing but mince pie dust in your pockets after buying your loved ones everything they didn't...

“Family friendly” pubs to ban single men at weekends

Pubs that describe themselves as family friendly say they intend to ban single men from their premises at weekends. Parent Cindy "Everyone's a pedo" Maguire said, "Last week we went to the pub with the...

‘Research confirms Coffee holds key to immortality’

There was good news for caffeine drinkers, addicts & nervous twitchers throughout the multiverse today, as stunning new research sensationally revealed that coffee holds the key to everlasting life. The benefits of coffee have long...

Middle aged man who bought passata just one small step from red skinny jeans...

Rochdale man Stan Still is just a short step away from buying skinny red jeans according to his girlfriend. Alga Rithem, Stan's partner for the last 25 tears, told us, "I don't know where this...

Some like it…NOT! Monroe fan’s £8k new look more like man’s best friend than...

French waiter Cyril Roux is a HUGE Marilyn Monroe fan. 'I guess you could say I'm addicted to injections,' mumbles Cyril Roux, a 32-year-old waiter from Toulon, through swollen lips that closely resemble a haemorrhoid...

Getting drunk and falling over is the real meaning of Christmas, says everyone

Heavy drinking from breakfast till unconsciousness has won the top spot in a national survey to discover what makes Christmas so special for the British public. Narrowly beating 'Two days off work' and 'Getting an...

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