Angry man, steam coming from ears

Man bored of virtue-signalling monthly initiatives launches ‘Punch In The Facepril’

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A Rochdale man who has had enough of your shit with your 'Ocsober'; 'Mowvember' and 'Veganuary' has decided to punch you all in the face during April. "It's probably the most therapeutic thing possible."...

Couple spend entire evening on Netflix before deciding what film to watch at 1am

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Johnny and Mary (not real names) are just your average suburban dwelling couple who work hard on the weekdays and like to relax in front of the telly watching a nice film. Sounds all...

Northerner brings Kraft Slices to cheese and wine party in Surrey

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A disgraced Northerner has been barred from ever returning to the South, after he humiliated his sister at a bourgeoisie Cheese & Wine evening by bringing Kraft Slices as his artisanal choice. Northerner Gerry Ramsbuttocks...

Brainless moron shaves 30 seconds off his drive home by doing 70 through the...

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One dickhead has been telling the Herald about how he has found a way to shave 30 seconds off the time it takes him to drive home. Brainless moron Ted Skeat said, "I first realised...

Wankers now the majority of the public, scientists conclude.

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A newly published report shows that 55% of the British public are tossers. Professor Onan Offtherist from the Rochdale Institute of Masturbatory Studies told us "We have proven that 11 out of 20 people you...

Just 126 sleeps until Xmas, says cat

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A local cat, Elvis Snoogums, has spoken of his excitement as Christmas gets ever closer. Speaking exclusively to the Rochdale Herald Elvis told us, "Soon my yooman will be putting up the big green plaything...

Blitz spirit will see us through says man panic buying sanitary towels and Quinoa

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The UK's Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, has likened the nation's handling of the Coronavirus pandemic to the "Blitz spirit" which saw plucky Brits through the 2nd World War. The Rochdale Herald took to the streets...
Theresa May

Theresa May urges parents to ‘eat their children’ given current political situation

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Theresa May urges parents to 'eat their children' given current political situation. Prime Minister Theresa May has urged British parents to "eat your children" claiming that "It's the kindest thing to do" considering the state...

Dry January downgraded to reduced drinking January

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A Rochdale man has told us how he has revised plans to do dry January and will now be doing reduced drinking January instead. Bill Board spent New Years Eve loudly telling friends and family...

Trump to produce new range of fragrances

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Donald Trump is to collaborate with daughter Ivanka to produce a new range of perfumes. The first daughter said "This new range reflects the important things in my father's life and reflect his...

Men applaud new Gillette advert that features man carving his initials into girlfriends face...

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A new advert for Gillette razors has been lauded by Piers Morgan as, "way better than all that social justice bollocks". Piers and many other single men with little else to do than call people...
Shouting Man

I don’t shave cos I’m a Gillette John, claims Heil Vis clad Neon Nazi

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Shaving that's a little too aggressive, or done with dull blades, can produce irritants which can form a rash right round your Parliament area.    "What it is right, is I'm one of those Gillette...
Smartphone

I’m definitely not addicted to my smartphone, says person reading this on her smartphone

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A Rochdale woman has told her friends that she's definitely not addicted to her smartphone, whilst reading a news story about people being addicted to their smartphones on her smartphone. Lindsay Ellis, 26, told her...
child

Complete sadist buys 2 year old nephew a keyboard for Christmas

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A man from Rochdale has bought his nephew the gift of music for Christmas. Stan Still told us, "I've played in bands since I was 12 and think it's a great idea for kids to...

‘Research confirms Coffee holds key to immortality’

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There was good news for caffeine drinkers, addicts & nervous twitchers throughout the multiverse today, as stunning new research sensationally revealed that coffee holds the key to everlasting life. The benefits of coffee have long...

Man puts bins out

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Reports are emerging that a man in Rochdale has put his bins out. Stephen Dickinson of Fazzakerley Drive has put his green bin out on the kerb early to maximize social distancing. "It was the highlight...

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