One dickhead has been telling the Herald about how he has found a way to shave 30 seconds off the time it takes him to drive home.

Brainless moron Ted Skeat said, “I first realised I could use the narrow street down the road when there were water works on my usual corner. I normally have to travel down there, round the corner and back up this way because it’s all one way. The water works meant that there was a diversion so I was getting home much earlier.”

Ted says his journey home starts by driving his Audi at 90 mph over a zebra crossing just outside his place of work. He told us, “You have to show pedestrians who’s boss. I approach them at 90 and they don’t hang around. Bonus points if you get the lollipop lady outside the school.”

Ted then shaves several seconds off different roundabouts by driving in the right hand lane and going straight on. “Loads of people are in the left lane going left or straight on. I use the right lane then go straight across. I always make sure that I pull across at the last minute and knock a cyclist or two out of the way if I can. I drive an Audi after all.”

Ted also revealed that he’s discovered that by driving through a local park at 70 mph he can avoid a set of traffic lights that waste valuable seconds. “The mums in the playground all wave and shout when I drive past. Probably fancy me I reckon. Saw one of them taking my picture yesterday.” he told us.

Ted explained that once he’s at home the extra 30 seconds allow him more time to make a coffee in his ludicrously expensive coffee maker that he tells people makes excellent coffee. He doesn’t actually drink coffee but he had to have the latest gadget and, you know, it’s the one George Clooney’s got.

Ted says his actions are actually the actions of a goal focused go-getter who doesn’t let people walk all over him. His neighbours say he’s a twunt.