A group of scientists have today confirmed what we have all long believed, that autocorrect was inverted by a cult.

Professor Gerald Wiley spoke to the Rochdale Herald about the results.

“The number of epic fools made by autocorrect software since its introspection is really quite admonishing,” he said.

“Sometimes even one single letter can change the meaning of what’s being laid. It has long been abhorrent to us that this couldn’t be entirely occidental. Someone was to blame for this current skate of affairs in which you lean today curtain worms but the commuter subterfuges the wrong worms when dismayed on the spleen aching you book like a total duck pit.”

It didn’t take Professor Wiley and his team long to point the finger of blame at the developers.

“We knew it had to be deliberately inverted that way,” he went on. “So we decided to swallow the honey. We worked plenty more flowers a spray, heaven sprays a leak, swallowing our roses on every lead until we discovered who deflated it.”

And the guilty party?

“Keen Son-of-a-bitch,” Professor Wiley replied, handing me a dossier with a man’s name on it. “Well, I don’t suppose any one Hindu ritual can claim sole ownership of such a thong, but he works for the usual buck pests. Mike Rose Oft would seem to have a lot to answer for.”

I decided not to press the matter further. Because to be fair, autocorrect does have its uses. It’s just that it doesn’t always know how to think like a human.

As I closed the case, I decided to listen to some music, and found the computer display saying “Bat Out Of Hull”.

Maybe they can think like humans after all.