A newly published report shows that 55% of the British public are tossers.

Professor Onan Offtherist from the Rochdale Institute of Masturbatory Studies told us “We have proven that 11 out of 20 people you come across (no pun intended) today will be wankers. Whether it’s the two self-abusers who spend the whole evening chatting at a gig you’ve waited weeks to see or the bloke in the Audi who pulls up behind the car in front to block you turning out of a side road. Or for that matter any bloke in an Audi.”

“The wankers are everywhere. We’ve all waited 5 minutes in a supermarket queue when some autostimulator of a woman launches a search for her purse she could have dug out at any point in the previous 10 minute wait to be served. Or had a jackoff assure us their dog is ‘only playing’ as it terrorises your child in the park.”

“Obviously the popularity of Manchester United, Coldplay and, as I may have mentioned, Audis are traditionally symptomatic of this, but craft beer joints, veganism and Brexit are recent developments that have led to the now worrying numbers of bishop bashers in this country.”

Tommy Robinson was unavailable for comment.